When a woman experiences a miscarriage, immense grief follows. The problem is that there are very few available outlets for women and couples suffering the grief of a miscarriage. Our culture does not “grieve” very well in general, and it is especially difficult for anyone who has not experienced a miscarriage to understand this deep level of grief, anger, and emotional dysregulation for someone who “never truly knew their child.”

Get the support you need after a miscarriage or stillbirth

Beyond the grief and pain you feel over your loss, don't forget that your body is going through hormonal and physical changes that make it even more difficult. Working closely with your gynecologist is important so that you have a full picture of what to expect and ways to cope.

You are not alone.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the rate of miscarriage among pregnant women is 10-15%. If it occurs before 24 weeks of pregnancy, it is referred to as a miscarriage, while after 24 weeks it is referred to as a stillbirth. Over 80% of miscarriages occur within the first three months of pregnancy. There are so many women who understand what you are going through and have walked the path you are traveling. When you feel ready, accessing a miscarriage or loss support group can be extremely helpful.

Allow yourself to feel the full emotional spectrum.

While people often talk about the “five stages of grief” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), the actual experience of grief is much more complex than that. These five stages can happen at any time of day, on any day, and in any order – and they can last for months or even years. Whatever your circumstances, it’s completely normal to feel:

• sad and – perhaps you suddenly burst into tears without any obvious trigger
• shocked and confused – especially if there were no signs that anything was wrong
• numb – you don't seem to have any feelings at all
• angry – at fate, at the hospital staff, or at others' pregnancy announcements
• jealousy – especially when you see other pregnant women and babies
• guilt – you may wonder if you may have caused the miscarriage (this is very unlikely)
• emptiness – a physical sense of loss
• lonely – especially if others don't understand
• panicked and out of control – feeling unable to cope with everyday life.

You are also at high risk for depression as your body has gone through all the hormonal and physical changes associated with pregnancy, including postpartum depression. Give yourself the space and time to fully express all of these feelings. The more you let this energy out, the more you will experience acceptance in whatever way applies to you.

Work with a qualified therapist

We highly recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in grief management. Even better, find someone who has experience with pregnancy loss. You can schedule appointments as often or as infrequently as you like. For example, you could start out once a week or every other week and then schedule appointments based on your needs. Either way, you’ll be working with someone who can give you the tools, resources, and space to work through what you’re feeling.

Rewrite your reproductive history

Your original reproductive story probably looked something like this: “Meet your life partner, decide when to get pregnant, get pregnant, have a baby.” Now, it doesn’t seem that way anymore. This contributes to the terrifying feelings that you’re out of control or that your plans and story are no longer something you can trust. When you rewrite your reproductive story on paper – or on your computer – you become the storyteller again. With the experience(s) you’ve had, you have the ability to create a new narrative that has a bigger picture ending – which could include trying again to conceive or choosing to adopt. It may be time to start working with a fertility specialist or take a break from trying to get pregnant altogether. Either way, it helps you deal with your emotions and regain a sense of control over your daily experience.